Today is a Chemo Day. Since I am only having chemo once a month it’s kind of easy to put it out of my head and not think about it. But today is the day. My heart is pounding, Den wants me to eat something but I can’t, we pack a little bag with iPads, phones, a crunchy snack and water. It’s the same routine every time. I have to get blood drawn, I see my oncologist and then I am released into the chemo room. There are busy yet ever patient nurses, snacks, comfy chairs, warm blankets, TV’s and the hustle and bustle of machines that put various fluids into my body. Steroids, stomach soothers, and then two bags of chemo stuff…one is pink, the other is clear. It’s very scary to me…still. Lots of times I just want to sit by myself and cry. Lots of times I say why me. Lots of times I feel pathetically sorry for me and my changed life. Woe is me…poor Patty…look at all the things I don’t do any more. That part lasts for a few minutes and then I shake it off and get thankful for what I have right now. I have to. There isn’t a reason not to be thankful. Den is with me always. There hasn’t been an appointment that we haven’t been to together. Every time I start to feel sad I think about him and family and friends. It helps. Carrying people with me helps.
So…at this morning I will be hooked up to machines in a big room with lots of little cubbies to sit in. Patients come with family and friends. Patients bring lunches and order pizzas. Last month I met a sweet nun who prayed over me. It’s a busy hectic place but at the same time manages to be warm and nurturing. Its where I am once a month. It’s a place for hope and healing.
Whew…I didn’t actually realize my thoughts were headed in that direction but I guess I needed to say all of that. I try not to focus on it too much but I needed to today.
I am really into this…I want to finish it today. It feels like a big book but when I am reading a book on my Kindle it’s hard to tell. The pages just continue to flip. A human skull is found in a tree hole in a witch elm at a family house and forensics determined it was a teenager killed 10 years ago. Everyone is a suspect. It’s so good.
I get a catalog from Amazon Publishing so yesterday was a busy book downloading day. I can’t wait to dive into these.
Ok…I am off to prep!