Den woke up feeling unwell yesterday…stomach, chest, ghastly sick feelings everywhere…thank goodness the doctor was in his office…barely 5 minutes away…so he drove there immediately. The doctor sent him to the ER and that was where he spent most of the day…my rock, my anchor, my safe harbor. I was mildly freaking out. I don’t know what else to say or do…I just numbly sat here. I couldn’t get to him…I can’t help him…I just cried…I get up and walk and then sit down and get totally numb again. I am attached to this pump and just waiting. My family is freaking out too but everyone is so far away and needs hours to get to me. I don’t even know how we could have planned for this but I guess we should have tried.
He did come home and is seeing our doctor again today and a cardiologist on Thursday.
So my guilt is massive. I let him do too much for me…I have to work harder at getting back to being me.
I have never been so sick before this…and now I am napping…I can’t stay awake…and making myself walk every hour. My hands shake…my knees shake…I can’t read…I don’t care about clothes or shoes…I have stuff from the summer that I have not even worn yet and summer is all but over!
I have to work really hard at getting strong for both of us. My hair has more gray in it but I don’t even care. I am supposed to eat and I do but it is hard to be hungry. I am really just a sad sad speck of what I used to be…I cry too easily, too…my life is just so altered. Every day I look for strength and guidance and I guess that’s all that I can do…for now…that and watch the Food Channel. I envy everyone who is healthy and free and can move around quickly. I don’t envy anyone in a bad way…I pray that you stay healthy! I love my family more than life itself…they call and cry and tell me to be strong. They are not close by but they would be here in minutes. They are what I need right now even
Those are my thoughts for today…