Not A Great Night…

Apparently I was exhausted from the excitement of the furniture and walking around adding little touches and and making little adjustments. Once we had dinner and went upstairs I fell asleep at 9:30 but was up and wired at 10:20. I read, watched TV on my iPad and fell back to sleep but was up every few hours until now…6:00…plus I was in my chair and not in bed. I was cold and the tight band around my upper tummy that everyone says is a sign of healing just ached and hurt. No one knows when it will go away so I pretty much just feel it all of the time. There are days when I am not sure I will ever feel great again. Even on good days…I know the bad days are still out there. Sometimes my positive attitude is a little elusive. This is one of those days. Roxie does her best to comfort and soothe. She is so sweet.

Today is the first day that I actually go to Chemotherapy. Needless to say I am freaked out. I have no idea how to handle this…I just pray I can actually do it…and as ridiculous as it sounds I just want all of this to go away. I plan on staying in my house until this treatment is over. Of course I am freaking out about my hair even though everyone is telling me not to. Den is armed with list after list of rules about foods etc…and questions for my oncologist. I just want to get there, endure what I have to endure and come home and get under the covers. His way…my way…during my life interrupted.

Every Christmas our favorite restaurant offers a special way to buy extra dinner coupons…not really coupons but if you bought $200.00 toward dinner Michael…the owner…tossed in an extra $75.00 so you could actually have 2 almost paid for dinners. While organizing my desk yesterday we realized that $75.00 was going to expire on Oct. 1st…so Den either has to go eat alone or we lose them. Michael…a very kind man…said we could use them when I felt better…and as much as I have missed going there he missed seeing us. Tears and more tears to the kindnesses people have extended to us.

I am prepared for today to be an incredibly rough day. I will try my best to stay strong but…I am not sure I can.

I don’t even feel right asking for your thoughts…there are so many other people who need prayers and comfort…and in spite of my fears and misery…I feel blessed by the comfort of family, friends and strangers…yes…strangers…the new people we meet who offer prayers and hugs.

So…off I go to my new routine…my sister Paula says that every day she says a little prayer asking our mom and dad to wrap their arms around me. Thank you, Mom and Dad and Paula! My brothers both pray for me…thank you Jim and John! I love you all!





12 thoughts on “Not A Great Night…

  1. Laurel-Rain Snow says:

    Sending good thoughts to you as you get through another phase in this New Normal that you didn't want, and wish would go away.

    Just remember how much stronger you are today than you were a month ago.

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and I like that you are pointing out the blessings you are finding along the way.


  2. judith szabo says:

    patty..your thoughts are so very heartfelt..every time i read your blogs..i get a deep sense of compassion for what you are going through..i pray for a big miracle of total healing for you..and peace and strength to help you get through all these challenges that are so overwhelming..honey..keep hanging on to all the love and support from everyone who cares for you..i know that sounds easy for me to say in the midst of all that is difficult for you..but there is power in that love from others..God bless you Patty..every moment and are a beautiful soul…hugs, judy


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