So…what I know about myself is that I have a tendency to forego any kind of peaceful calm for stress, tension and extreme fear and worry. That’s where I am right now. I have to have an ordinary cat scan today but it has me totally freaking out. Last year at around this time I never knew what a cat scan was…now I am way too familiar with them. Cat scans make sure that nothing evil is lurking in my body. But they make my imagination run wild…my head is filled with irrational what if’s…I am scared, worried and again…I can’t calm myself down. Sigh…I really cannot calm down. And I won’t really know what any of it means until next Wednesday when we sit down with the oncologist. If everything is fine we go a longer time without a cat scan and seeing him. If things are not fine I freak out again. And this is my life from now on…other than waiting for my hair to grow. I don’t have enough Dr.Whos, Bizarre Food Destinations, Diners Drive Ins and Dives, Bloodlines, Shadowhunters and Assistant Principals to keep my mind off of this stuff until next Wednesday. I can get a grip on this reality and then lose it in minutes. A kitty in my lap helps…Den helps…friends and family help…but ultimately this is mine to do alone.
I am so sorry for this not so happy post.
In the beginning they would let Den wear a protective suit and come in with me…I was so freaked out. I couldn’t be flat on my back because I had a fear of not being able to breath after surgery…Den held my hand and kept me calm. I am past that now but just barely…just barely.
The scan will be over by ten…and I will be back home to calm down soon after that…hopefully!
I wonder if the radiologist can detect a massive vodka shot in the scan?
I need one!