Trying To Find A Calming Influence…

So…what I know about myself is that I have a tendency to forego any kind of peaceful calm for stress, tension and extreme fear and worry. That’s where I am right now. I have to have an ordinary cat scan today but it has me totally freaking out. Last year at around this time I never knew what a cat scan was…now I am way too familiar with them. Cat scans make sure that nothing evil is lurking in my body. But they make my imagination run wild…my head is filled with irrational what if’s…I am scared, worried and again…I can’t calm myself down. Sigh…I really cannot calm down. And I won’t really know what any of it means until next Wednesday when we sit down with the oncologist. If everything is fine we go a longer time without a cat scan and seeing him. If things are not fine I freak out again. And this is my life from now on…other than waiting for my hair to grow. I don’t have enough Dr.Whos, Bizarre Food Destinations, Diners Drive Ins and Dives, Bloodlines, Shadowhunters and Assistant Principals to keep my mind off of this stuff until next Wednesday. I can get a grip on this reality and then lose it in minutes. A kitty in my lap helps…Den helps…friends and family help…but ultimately this is mine to do alone.

I am so sorry for this not so happy post.

In the beginning they would let Den wear a protective suit and come in with me…I was so freaked out. I couldn’t be flat on my back because I had a fear of not being able to breath after surgery…Den held my hand and kept me calm. I am past that now but just barely…just barely.

The scan will be over by ten…and I will be back home to calm down soon after that…hopefully!

I wonder if the radiologist can detect a massive vodka shot in the scan?

I need one!






18 thoughts on “Trying To Find A Calming Influence…

  1. bermudaonion says:

    I am so sorry you're having to go through this but, believe me, you're not the only one who freaks out about such things. I feel sure this scan will be clear and I'm sending you virtual hugs.


  2. Laurel-Rain Snow says:

    I am a freak-out queen, too, even though I haven't had any BIG events yet…just the back surgery in the 1990s. That freaked me out while waiting for the scan results and the diagnosis. And then the surgery.

    But small things do that to me, too, like an unexpected bill or a snarky comment on an Amazon review. I hate that, and wish I didn't react this way. Or a new rash on my neck does it, too. So far, so good on that front.

    I am glad that you can write about it…I think that helps calms us down a bit.

    Thanks for sharing, and I hope all will be good news!


  3. Ti says:

    How did it go? Your fear is totally understandable and you know you never need to apologize for expressing it here. We are all here to listen. I'm sure I can speak for everyone in saying that. CT scans are amazing though because when they come back clean, you no longer need to worry and can finally rest. I know you won't have the results until Wednesday but now is the time for a Martini. Okay, it's still a little early out your way but does it matter?


  4. Patty Magyar says:

    The scan was fine but even if they see something they won't say a word. So I look at their eyes and worry about what they know. I really don't know how to deal with what I am going through. I think that is why I am so scared. I was hesitant to post this post today…I thought it was too much sharing on my part but I guess I really needed to share it. Thank you for saying what you said.


  5. Stefanie Ng says:

    I'm sorry this type of scan freaks you out. You know ppl say things like don't stress or I don't stress about the little things anymore. But you know? You can't help it; it's how you react and if that's how you feel, well feel it. You're entitled to it. I'm sorry you have to wait until Wednesday to know; damn, you should be given a priority as they should know waiting sucks. Hugs.


  6. Linda Broglan says:

    I hate MRIs it's like I'm in a drainage tube, too close arms stretched over your head 30min….nope nope not tolerated any longer. If they had one that raised the head end up or even vertical I'd could almost tolerate it.
    When I was in the hospital a few weeks ago the doctor talked me into it because he would give me a stronger anti anxiety drug and said their MRI was bigger than the outsourcing company. Guessing it worked, I don't remember anything but getting on/off the table and I'm still breathing ��


  7. McGuffy Ann Morris says:

    Patty, you've got this. You are stronger than you ever thought you were. You did calm down. You got through it all. And, this will be behind you. You are stronger than you were a year ago. Now, make plans to celebrate with your wonderful husband. Go to the beach! HUGS!


  8. Paging Through Books says:

    Stress is my way of life… I know that won't calm you down, but it will let you know that so many others of us are just like you!

    For various reasons I've had many, many MRI scans in the past 15 years. At first they almost couldn't corral me into one– I have severe claustrophobia and I'm a big woman so I always imagined getting stuck in one and not being able to get out. Nowadays they still annoy me, but I make myself go to “a good place” in my mind– biofeedback technique– and pretend the banging noise is some construction guys working outside 🙂

    Good thoughts & prayers sent your way during this troubling time! And Den… he is a saint among men; he goes above and beyond. It's in the bad times that people show their worth…


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