Battling Blues!

Not the color just the feeling.  There are so many people that I pray for…I try to pray for me last.  I don’t want to have selfish prayers.  I try to be positive and think good thoughts but the days before a blood test and visit to my oncologist…I am so scared!  Really scared!  Totally scared…I have had a taste of being me again…happy, goofy, me…and at any point I could be back to the sick me…scans, blood tests, chemo, metallic mouth taste, no appetite, exhaustion, doctors…I don’t even know if I can do it again…I wasn’t really that great at it the first time.  Den was the one that got me through the nightmares.  He made the appointments, he packed the crackers, he made me the lemonade that was the only thing I could drink.  I just existed through it all and prayed for a chance to get out on the other side.  Ovarian Cancer is a rough one to fight.  I am strong and I can do it…until the week before the actual blood test when all hell breaks loose in my head!  I don’t want anyone else in the entire universe to know what it’s like…but it’s rough.  I am sorry about this post…I just couldn’t write anything else.  But it’s why I love our bedroom…Den calls it our apartment…it’s why books help and TV helps…thinking about real life does not help.

These two help…even when they sneak onto my side of our bed.

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Take care…don’t ignore tummy issues the way I did…stay healthy!

Hugs,

Patty

24 thoughts on “Battling Blues!

  1. Jina Bazzar says:

    My friend, I’ll pray for you. Try not to think about it – it’s good advice, hard to follow. books help, it’s a great source of escapism. and i hope when you do the blood work and visit your doctor, that everything will come out fine.

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  2. Laurel-Rain Snow says:

    Oh, I can only imagine the horror of the chemo…from hearing about it and having seen others go through it. But you did get through, and you came out the other side. Sending positive energy your way for good results.

    And as for your comment about Edelweiss…LOL. I feel like I already have way too many review book sources already. It makes me crazy to keep track of all those deadlines…so I’m sticking to what I know…for now.

    Have a cozy day in your “apartment.” When I lived in my house in the foothills, I had an upstairs bedroom that I used as my retreat.

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  3. BermudaOnion says:

    I think you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for. I bet most people who’ve been through what you have feel this way but aren’t brave enough to share it with other people. You have great doctors and I am confident all will be well when you see the doctor.

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  4. Greg says:

    Thoughts and prayers to you! You are obviously strong for having come through this before so you will be okay, I’m sure. It is tough though, the worrying and wondering- no question. And it is nice to have a place to escape…plus cats (beautiful cats BTW).

    Take care PAtty!!!!

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  5. Kathryn says:

    Sending a big hug and lots of hope. I hope for the very best for you. Den sounds amazing and its so good to have someone like him beside you. But… I totally get how those fears become dominant in the days before tests.

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    • Patty Magyar says:

      Thank you, Kathryn…I feel the hug…I feel as though if we lived close by I could pop in…have my cry…while you quilt…then talk about books over tea…and I would leave feeling stronger.

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  6. DEZZY says:

    My imperial chambers are in dusty blues and grays too!
    Speaking of cats, I gave two of my baby kittens (Ignatius’s and Snezhana’s kids) to a neighbour, and just when I got rid of them lil’ rats, a black and white kitten appeared in my yard. Is there no escape from cats on this Earth?

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