Today is flu shot day. It’s also cold today. But I promised Den that I would get our flu shots today…so I will. I also am prepping for 6 months of more chemo. I get a port on Wednesday…a heart test on Thursday and then a new and different chemo begins on the following Wednesday. I have had all weekend to gather my thoughts…stay in my “apartment” and alternate between feeling sorry for me and trying to feel positive about my fate.
The bad thing about Ovarian Cancer is that it’s chronic…it comes back. The goal is to keep it away as long as possible. I have had almost two years so that’s good but I feel right back to square one again. I have to have 6 rounds of chemo but only once every month. It’s uncertain whether I will get to keep my hair…or how sick I will feel …Dr. Costello already loaded me down with tons of anti nausea meds…so that scares me just a bit. I already don’t feel like eating, I am so stressed and anxious that I have meds that are helping me stay calm. I don’t know what else I can do. I have a counselor that I talk to…he is immensely helpful. I feel as though I am baring my soul to you but in a way I need to. I don’t want any secrets.
Did you know that only 23,000 women a year get OC in this country. Two of us are from the town I grew up in and we both got it at the same time. And we are kind of following the same path. Another friend of Den’s has had it for 6 years with three recurrences. But she was involved in a study where a vaccine was made from her cyst and she has that to help her. It was performed by a Swedish doctor at Penn who went back to Sweden before I needed him. Sigh!
The apartment…our bedroom. It’s big, has vaulted ceilings, is pretty…feels safe to me. I want to be here…reading and watching tv. But I don’t know if I can do it until March. The last time was after surgery and I was weaker than I ever imagined I could be. I do not want to get that weak again…ever. I am going to walk as much as I can every day. Den is already worried about what I will eat…it is just not appealing to eat when poisons are running through your body.
Plus I already missed my anniversary…I will miss both of our birthdays, Halloween, Christmas, New Year’s…all the fun stuff. If my blood cell counts are down…I can’t go anywhere.
But seriously…don’t feel sorry for me. I will do this. I will be just a tad pathetic and needy…I won’t care about buying my beloved clothes or booties…but I will read so much I will outread Rain…maybe!
I worry about Den becoming too exhausted…he had to stop his beloved golf game because they are on Wednesday and those are chemo days. He had such fun and it was so good to send him away with his friends. The kitties seem to sense something is up…they hover near by and kind of watch me. It’s comforting.
So…that’s my story. I am ok. I had a rough weekend to sort through it all. I have awesome doctors…Penn is top in its field. I just need to stay positive. And get my funny back. Maybe new booties will help?
Books…oh my I love this book…I simply love it! It’s twisty and turny and there is a huge secret somewhere that hasn’t been revealed…yet!