Today is flu shot day.  It’s also cold today.  But I promised Den that I would get our flu shots today…so I will.  I also am prepping for 6 months of more chemo. I get a port on Wednesday…a heart test on Thursday and then a new and different chemo begins on the following Wednesday.  I have had all weekend to gather my thoughts…stay in my “apartment” and alternate between feeling sorry for me and trying to feel positive about my fate.

The bad thing about Ovarian Cancer is that it’s chronic…it comes back.  The goal is to keep it away as long as possible.  I have had almost two years so that’s good but I feel right back to square one again.  I have to have 6 rounds of chemo but only once every month.  It’s uncertain whether I will get to keep my hair…or how sick I will feel …Dr. Costello already loaded me down with tons of anti nausea meds…so that scares me just a bit.  I already don’t feel like eating,  I am so stressed and anxious that I have meds that are helping me stay calm.  I don’t know what else I can do.  I have a counselor that I talk to…he is immensely helpful.  I feel as though I am baring my soul to you but in a way I need to.  I don’t want any secrets.

Did you know that only 23,000 women a year get OC in this country.  Two of us are from the town I grew up in and we both got it at the same time.  And we are kind of following the same path.  Another friend of Den’s has had it for 6 years with three recurrences.  But she was involved in a study where a vaccine was made from her cyst and she has that to help her.  It was performed by a Swedish doctor at Penn who went back to Sweden before I needed him.  Sigh!

The apartment…our bedroom.  It’s big, has vaulted ceilings, is pretty…feels safe to me.  I want to be here…reading and watching tv.  But I don’t know if I can do it until March.  The last time was after surgery and I was weaker than I ever imagined I could be.  I do not want to get that weak again…ever.  I am going to walk as much as I can every day.  Den is already worried about what I will eat…it is just not appealing to eat when poisons are running through your body.

Plus I already missed my anniversary…I will miss both of our birthdays, Halloween, Christmas, New Year’s…all the fun stuff.  If my blood cell counts are down…I can’t go anywhere.

But seriously…don’t feel sorry for me.  I will do this.  I will be just a tad pathetic and needy…I won’t care about buying my beloved clothes or booties…but I will read so much I will outread Rain…maybe!

I worry about Den becoming too exhausted…he had to stop his beloved golf game because they are on Wednesday and those are chemo days.  He had such fun and it was so good to send him away with his friends.  The kitties seem to sense something is up…they hover near by and kind of watch me.  It’s comforting.

So…that’s my story.  I am ok.  I had a rough weekend to sort through it all.  I have awesome doctors…Penn is top in its field.  I just need to stay positive.  And get my funny back.  Maybe new booties will help?

Books…oh my I love this book…I simply love it!  It’s twisty and turny and there is a huge secret somewhere that hasn’t been revealed…yet!



29 thoughts on “Today…

  1. Laurel-Rain Snow says:

    I applaud you on your determination to manage this new/old journey. Hopefully the once a month round of chemo will be less devastating to your system. Sending positive thoughts! I like that you want to outread me! LOL

    I LOVE the sound of your “apartment.” Vaulted ceilings are the best. I used to live in a townhouse that had a loft which I took over as my bedroom. The living room had 20 foot ceilings. The two bedrooms in back went to the two teens that were still at home. I loved that place, and only moved when I bought the house in the foothills. Which I enjoyed for thirteen years. It had a guest house that I liked more than the main house, because of its coziness. I almost decided to move into it and rent out the main house.

    I’m telling you all of this nonsensical stuff about my life to hopefully distract you; the journey you face will be hard to manage without lots of distractions. I’m glad you’re loving Watching You. I’m still reading the Lululemons book…I was distracted by Amazon Prime yesterday, and watched a show called Forever.

    Books and movies are nice that way. So are kitties. Have a cozy day!


  2. Carol (@carolsnotebook) says:

    You’ll both be in my prayers. I love that the kitties are trying to comfort you – my dog is always pretty oblivious to how anyone is feeling.You’ll both be in my prayers. I love that the kitties are trying to comfort you – my dog is always pretty oblivious to how anyone is feeling.


  3. BermudaOnion says:

    Yes, you need that flu shot before you start back with your treatments. I can only imagine what a blow this was to you and I admire your grit in facing chemo again. I have faith in your doctors and know Den and the girls will take good care of you. This won’t be easy but you’re tough and strong and can do it. I’m sending hugs and prayers your way.


  4. Mary says:

    We were just talking about getting our flu shots.
    Patty, I appreciate all you’ve shared here. You are one strong woman and have the love and support of a strong man. It will get you through the next months. I hope you continue to share here. Picture us as your cheerleaders 😀 And how sweet are your kitties. Pets always know.
    I want to read that book!


  5. Peggy says:

    😢😘😘😘😘😘😘😘 Much Love Patty. Praying for you always too 😉 Press into God and stay tucked up in the shelter of His wings. ‘He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.’ Psalm 91:4


  6. lakesidemusing says:

    Your attitude is amazing and you are strong! We are all here with you supporting you from afar. Glad you have this space to share, vent, whatever you need… I’m sorry you have to do this again, but sending you plenty of prayers and hugs.


  7. Janet Buckingham says:

    Dear Patty,

    Den loves you SO much more than he loves golf! I love you too and wish you weren’t facing a hard time. Thank you for sharing from your heart.



  8. Kathryn says:

    You are so courageous facing into this new round of chemo. Thank you for sharing what is happening to you. I feel sad that you have to face into this again, a dark place really, may their be light at the end and along the way as well. Those kitties and Den will help and support you through.


  9. Stefanie says:

    Oh Patty, I’m so sorry you have to have chemo again. You are a warrior and it’s okay to feel what you feel when you feel. Take it one day at a time which will be a roller coaster but have all of your comforts lined up so you feel safe and warm. Hugs my darling. If you need anything, pls let me know.


  10. Stephanie@Fairday's Blog says:

    You are so strong and I am glad you are talking with a therapist and letting out your thoughts to all of us. I am sending you a big hug. I know it is hard to eat with the chemo running through your body- but do your best to eat and not lose too much weight. It should help keep your counts up. I will send out positive vibes to the universe that you will be stronger than last time. Now you have an idea what you are in for- and no you are stronger than it. If there is anything I can do- I am here for you. 🙂 Hugs and hugs.


  11. DEZZY says:

    Try to focus all your inner strength into forcing the effing cancer out of your body, like literally imagine the cells of your immune system getting armoured and launching an attack on the enemy intruders!


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