And not really sad thoughts…maybe just a Patty reality check? The amazing words of encouragement from EVERYONE…I can do this and I will do this…it’s just that I miss myself?
Does that even make sense? Johanna..my PT nurse…was here yesterday…Roxie is in her arms sound asleep while I work out legs and arms and try to get back stamina and strength. It’s a sweetly sad scenario. Roxie loves Johanna. The moment Johanna walks into the house…Roxie is next to her…it’s so sweet…the entire house is my workout area…walking, lifting, moving legs and feet. I drink tons of water, I focus on protein…fish, beans, yogurt, cottage cheese…but I can’t eat lots at a time…Den tries to tempt me with small tasty protein bites…I can’t eat bars or stuff like that…I just can’t…today I am craving a seaweed salad and veggie sushi…I hate having these cravings because the minute I say something Den is out the door. And I disappoint him when I only take bites!
I haven’t been to any Farmer’s Markets, concerts, trips and the stuff I am going to miss in the upcoming months is unbelievable. Our anniversary is Saturday and it will be a quiet peaceful one at home…there is no way I can go out yet…it would be ridiculous. I won’t be drinking anything alcoholic for ages…if at all…I don’t miss it…I just miss the old me.
I was the one who set the table or made the reservations or made a dinner at home pretty and special. It both breaks my heart and warms my heart to see Den set the table using all of our pretty things. I always needed different seasonal table settings and wreaths on the door and other festive things. Now we are just trying to maintain a clean house and flowers outside that are watered and not turning into weeds.
Den is a type A personality…I worry about him tremendously…he is busy buying bathroom rugs, new towels and flavorless protein powder…and researching family room furniture…we finally think we found big comfy oversized leather stuff…thanks to him. I am so tired that if he loves it it will be fine with me.
I know it’s about my attitude and being positive and working hard and taking one day at a time…I think that as soon as the vac comes off on Monday…I will be more free to walk outside, get a coffee, feel normal, work harder, help more…I just want to help Den and not be a burden…
I yearn to feel normal. I yearn to feel the way I used to feel. I was always smiling and happy. I didn’t cry…I loved being with people. I wasn’t fearful.
I miss Patty. That’s me with the biggest smile!